Dealing with Incontinence

"How do I talk to Mom and the family about the accidents she has been having lately around the house since her stroke?"

It is always difficult to talk to family about personal issues. The issue of incontinence is an extremely personal and embarrassing issue for people to discuss, let alone face happening to them. In talking to others about incontinence, you have to understand what it is.

Incontinence is the inability for the person to control urinary and fecal output. There are varying types of incontinence. There are some people that have to go to the bathroom all the time. There are others whose bladders become over full and leak. Yet there are still others who simply cannot make it to the bathroom in time because of physical or mental reasons. Finally, there are those who have accidents only at night. These are all types of incontinence.

Stress that this problem is not the fault of the person
In talking to the family about incontinence, it is important to emphasize that this condition is extremely common following a stroke. Many people feel that bowel and bladder functions are personally controllable and failure to do so is the fault of the person suffering. This is not true and must be emphasized to avoid placing feelings of guilt and shame on the family member with the problem. The family must also not feel ashamed or embarrassed to be around the suffering member. In many cases incontinence is a byproduct of stroke and must be dealt with by everyone who has close connections or interactions with the stroke survivor.

Trying to talk to the person suffering from incontinence can be an embarrassing experience for everyone. This is especially true in cultures were the sufferer is the leader of the family. If Grandma does not want to talk about the problems she is having making it to the bathroom in time, we as a family, will not talk about it. Instead, the family will try to accommodate the problem. We will ask Grandma if she has to go to the bathroom more often, put plastic on chairs she sits in, cut down on trips outside of the home, or limit the time of outside trips. None of these actions actually solve the problem though, nor do they help people understand what they are going through. Instead it creates a cloud of shame and embarrassment that follows the sufferer wherever they go.

Talk openly about the problem
Approaching the situation in a direct way avoids embarrassment for all parties involved. Start the conversation off by saying "...we've all noticed that you are having accidents when trying to get to the bathroom…. " This will help open the lines of communication and create a more relaxed atmosphere for discussion.

The list below contains some suggestions on what can be done to help the stroke survivor feel more comfortable about their condition and have the condition appear less noticeable.

Links for More Information

American Foundation for Urologic Disease
A great place to start for information on incontinence. This site offers information on issues before, during, and after treatment of incontinence. The site also has an easy to understand directory of medical terms often used when discussing incontinence by your physician.

Bladder Health Council: Treatments for Incontinence
Provides information on the options for control and treatment of incontinence. The treatments range form absorbent products to surgery. A brief description of each option is included in the explanation.

National Association for Continence
Offers education on how to approach your family doctor about the issue of incontinence. The sight offers suggestions on what information you should take with you to physician appointments.

National Institute on Aging
Provides overall information on incontinence.

Medlineplus: from the U.S. National Library of Medicine
A comprehensive guide to information on incontinence and related information.